Kids and the death of a grandparent

A day I've dreaded for five years happened four weeks ago. My mom died on Memorial Day. She had a stroke. This was her second in five years. She had been in poor health and in-and-out of hospitals since that first stroke. She still lived at home with my dad but needed 'round-the-clock care. The process of grief has been on my mind for a long time. Mostly I've thought about how I'd tell my kids who are almost three- and five-years old now. I'd like to tell those stories.

My three-year old:

I didn't tell my daughter too much until my mom died. When I was with her in person, I said, "Kiddo, Grandma had another stroke. She got a really bad ouchie in her head. It made her body stop working and she died. We don't get to see her anymore." My daughter simply got back off my lap and resumed playing.

Because I was an hour away with my dad for most of the next week, I was largely absent. She was with my husband, her other grandparents, or my sister-in-law. Her routine was disrupted significantly. She regressed with potty training. She also developed severe separation anxiety. So, we have noticed mostly physical matifestations of her 'grief'. She's  been doing much better with both issues in the last week.

My daughter attended the memorial service with us the week after my mom died. My mother-in-law kept her behind me in her lap. She had some pencils and a few small, quiet toys for her to play with. We were impressed with my daughter's behavior at my mother's service, but my in-laws were prepared to take my daughter out of the room if needed.

My daughter brings up her grandma in conversation more than I expected. She asks, "Why did Grandma die?"
"Because her body stopped working."

Or, "Where did you get that necklace?"

"From Papa when Grandma died."

Or, "Where is Grandma?"

"She died and we can't see her anymore."

Or, "Mom, you sad?"

"Yes, kiddo, I'm sad because Grandma died and I can't see her any more."

I'm trying to maintain consistency with my words about this for my daughter. Simplicity seems to be helping.

My five-year old:

When my mom had this stroke, I told my son, "Grandma had another stroke and is in the hospital." He asked if "it would make her dead." I told him it might. I had to fly out that night to be with my dad. I kept in contact with my son over the phone and with FaceTime. My mom died three days later.

Once I was at home again, I told him the news. "Buddy, Grandma's body couldn't get better. It stopped working and she died. It means we don't get to see her any more and we are all really sad."

At this point, he leaned in to me for a hug. I could see tears in his eyes. He didn't ask any of the questions I'd thought he'd ask. I suggested we do some art with crayons--my son, daughter and me. I thought it would be helpful for the kids, but I found it surprisingly helpful too. Later, at bedtime, my son got sad again and wanted more hugs.

I wasn't home much over the next week, and my husband and in-laws took great care of him. I tried to talk with him about my grief when we were together. He didn't want to talk about it because it "made him too sad." However, several nights before bed, my husband initiated a conversation about my absences, our sadness, and how I was helping my dad.

My son attended the memorial service too. There was no casket and my mother's ashes were not present. He sat with my father-in-law. My dad, brother, and I prepared a photo slideshow for the service. My son especially enjoyed seeing people he knew in the pictures or when a shot from one of his photo books was shown.

The only time he talks about his grandma is to help my daughter's understanding of the events. If she brings up my mother's death, he reminds her that it means "we don't get to see Grandma anymore." Or to "remember Grandma died." Somehow he came to understand that the dead are in the ground. We aren't sure where he learned this especially since my mom was cremated. However, we decided not to correct him since this is accurate for many people and other living things. Plus, my dad preferred we not discuss my mom's cremation. I'm sure we'll explain the events again as he gets older.

He doesn't seem to be visibly grieving. Even stranger is that he handled all the disruptions to his routine in stride. I have been really surprised. Of course, it's only been four weeks as I write this.

Me:

I am struggling. I switched from care-taker of my dad to care-taker of my kids again with little transition. However, I had five years to prepare in little ways. It seems to be reducing the severity of my grief. It's harder for me than I expected though.

What we have learned:

The only benefit from my Mom's poor health the last five years is that I've had time to think and prepare. As I've seen articles or shows about grief and kids, I've paid attention. 

• Use simple consistent language. Don't say too much. Wait for your kids to ask questions.
• Take their questions and comments seriously.
• Try to maintain their routine as much as possible.
• Don't sacrifice their (or your) sleep too much. Good rest helps everyone cope.
• Arrange for people to bring in dinners and breakfasts so you don't have to shop.
• Try to ask for fruits and veggies. If they are in the fridge, you will eat them.
• A little more screen time than usual is just fine.
• Let them express themselves through art.

Finally, and most importantly, you probably won't know that a death is imminent. So, as awful as it sounds, starting thinking about it now. Read articles here and there. When you are overwhelmed, it's amazingly helpful to have had a little preparation. At least it was for me. I just wish I'd read more about my own grief. This is where I feel unprepared. Although, as a friend put it, you are never prepared to lose your mother.